“Poor fellow! I think he is in love with you.’
I am not aware of it. And to me it is one of the most odious things in a girl’s life, that there must always be some supposition of falling in love coming between her and any man who is kind to her… I have no ground for the nonsensical vanity of fancying everybody who comes near me is in love with me.”
An Order to Restrain Myself
She found out about my chat conversations with him last Saturday. She was mad and disappointed according to what she had written in S-note. Well, I can’t blame her.
I cried—because, although I know it’s not true, she told me she didn’t love me anymore. I said I’ll go home but she didn’t let me get off the bus. I cried— also because I don’t know why I’m so fond of him and I think I was falling but I didn’t want to. I cried because I hate the situation where I was in. Cheska, during her Lessons in Leadership, shared with us that as leaders, we must always choose what is right. My dilemma is, I don’t know which is right— to fall for a man which is not against the norm or to be loyal to the woman I am in a relationship with. You see, I’ll still be committing a sin whichever I choose. One more dilemma, even if I fall in love with someone else, I can never bear to leave her.
So, I put a restraining order to myself. I should limit chatting and talking to that specific person. As much as I wanted to talk to him, I cannot.And maybe, he is just another Dacs. He is just someone who,I think, is giving me unusually special attention and I wanted to know why. I wanted to know if he likes me… because that is just how I am, a flirt. I love to flirt and I have to be restrained.
He said… “Mataas ang dispatch ko kasi… ” He avoided my eyes and he seemed to blush. Then I said, “Why? Is it because of the tickets that you’re getting?” And he said, it was because I was not helping him… and that he was avoiding to chat with me especially when there are lots of people around because they may say things. He also said that he wanted to ask questions but was hesitant because of what Sha might say. I told him I have talked to Sha about it and I was hoping that nothing would change with how he was treating me.
I was in love with another man back then. I thought that after leaving him, we would be ok and I would be happy with him but he didn’t have enough guts or “love for me” to be that someone I thought I would be spending the rest of my life with. Then, I noticed Sha who noticed me. We dated. We got along. We’re still together now…and I am happy… but I am fascinated with someone again and I don’t want history to repeat itself. I need to be content with what I have. I don’t want to hurt someone who has me as the center of her life. There were times when I want to be normal —get married, have kids… but will I be happy and secure as I am now?
The Story of My Life: An Update
So, it’s been a while since I blogged about my life story… It seems that after being in a relationship with Sha and attempting to forget the prince, I have stopped blogging. Was it because I’m happy? Probably.
Anyway, I’ve been with Sha for more than two years. I have gotten along well with Dacs and we are now in some sort of friendly relationship back again. I have handled two training classes for Voice and is now handling the third. I am also studying programming languages for a big project with the boys (Law, Voj and Will). In general, my life is becoming better… I am happy. I am content. However, there are times that I come across temptations. I am being surrounded by fresh faces and once or twice, some awesome personalities that would give me special attention will touch a spot in my heart. I have to divert feelings, I have to put barriers even before feelings get deeper.
Somehow, I miss the feeling of being “in love” —the sleepless nights, the untouched food, the faraway stares and the daydreaming. I love Sha but the love that we share is already on a different level. It’s a mature love. I’m ok with that so I try hard to ignore the fascination I feel towards an intelligent, funny trainee or a geeky co-founder.